With changes, give yourself permission to be you
By Heather L. Bordo
Article written for the Globe and Mail, Wednesday, April 28, 2004 (Page C1)
Last year, I turned my life upside down.
Within a six-month period, I separated from my husband of seven years, sold my suburban home, spent a month travelling in Europe -- too late for the post-high-school finding-myself trip but too early for midlife crisis -- moved to an apartment in Toronto, quit my job as an internal consultant for a media company and started my own coaching and consulting business.
There is no doubt that all the changes I initiated made for a challenging year, one that I was not sorry to see come to an end.
And yet, my experience has been an invaluable learning process that has opened my eyes to a wealth of personal and professional insights.
What prompted me to initiate such major life change?
It started in January, 2003, when I participated in an experiential course to formally develop my skills as a coach. One of the exercises we were asked to do was to imagine ourselves 20 years into the future, and to think about what we needed to do to get from where we were then to where we saw our future selves.
The exercise was a huge wakeup call for me. It made me realize that 20 years would pass in a heartbeat and that, if I continued the way I had been, I would never get to where I wanted to be in 20 years.
I had been living my life the way I thought I was supposed to -- rather, the way I thought my parents, my husband, other family and friends and even society wanted me to. While on the surface it looked like I had it all -- a nice home, a good husband, a corporate job for which I was well-compensated -- I was terribly unhappy.
I had done such a good job of creating a life based on all the things I thought I should do and be for everyone else in my life that I had completely lost myself. I had lost sight of my values, my passions, the impact I wanted to have on the world and the person I am at my core and most want to be.
I realized that, to really be myself, I had to shed others' expectations, listen to my heart and give myself permission to just be me.
Looking back on where I was, I realize how far I've come and how much I've learned. And if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.
My experience -- both in realizing I was unhappy and in initiating a number of changes to resolve my unhappiness -- has not only made me a better friend and human being, it has helped me to get much clearer on who I am, what I want and what impact I want to make on others, personally and professionally.
If I had to summarize what I've learned in five key points, they would be:
Know yourself
What are you passionate about? What values are most important to you? What impact do you want to have on the people in your life or on the world?
Take the time to reflect on the answers to these questions and what they reveal about you. In considering what work was most meaningful to me, I realized that what I truly loved about consulting and coaching was the impact I could have on the people I worked with by challenging them to think differently, see different perspectives and achieve even more than they ever thought they could.
This understanding has led me to be selective about only pursuing and accepting work where I believe I can make a powerful impact.
Be yourself
Many factors influence how we behave and who we let ourselves be. Some people feel that being themselves, particularly if it is not consistent with what others -- partners, children, parents, friends, work colleagues -- need or want from them, makes them selfish in some way.
I would suggest that being anyone other than who you really are does not do you or anyone else justice and, sooner or later, will catch up with you.
I am at my best when I can challenge and be challenged by others, let my sense of humour and sometimes sarcasm show and not constantly edit my thoughts based on concerns about how people will react if I'm honest in expressing them.
Having my own business means I can be myself without worrying about organizational politics. The people who are then drawn to work with me are those who value the very characteristics that make me who I am, which leads to a stronger more effective relationship.
Recognize that you have choices
People who feel stuck in a particular situation -- whether an unhappy marriage or a frustrating job -- can get quite good at citing all the reasons why they can't make a change.
There may, indeed, be lots of good reasons not to quit your frustrating job. However, it is important to recognize that making the decision to stay in your job is your choice.
Resigning from my job and giving up my regular income was a tough -- and risky -- decision. However, considering that one of my strong values is living a passionate life, the personal cost of remaining in a frustrating job felt much greater than any short-term financial sacrifices I would have to make.
Change the way you think
We often limit our own choices by engaging in black-and-white thinking. So, we might assume that our only choices in a frustrating job are to stick it out or to quit.
And yet, there are numerous options in between that may include taking a leave of absence, taking a vacation, switching to a part-time role, moving to another role in the same company or contracting your services.
The question I asked myself was: What would I need to do to in order to make it feasible for me to resign? I was able to negotiate an agreement with my former employer that allowed me to work my way out of my job over a three-month period while I began to establish my own business.
By considering a wider range of options, difficult choices can become more manageable.
Follow your heart
One of the greatest lessons I have learned is how wonderful it feels to do that. For me, this has meant creating a vision of what I want for my business and trusting my own ability to realize it.
Since working internationally is part of following my heart, I participated in a coaching conference in Europe last year to begin to establish international contacts. The conference led to a speaking engagement in Geneva, and I am currently pursuing other opportunities to expand my reach and impact.
I've seen many people dismiss their wishes, dreams and desires before they even gave themselves a chance to think them through. I also interact with many people who, like me, have lived much of their life in their head.
Become aware of what really fuels your soul -- you may have to quiet your rational mind temporarily to do that -- and consider your options for how to bring that to life.
Am I there yet? Definitely not. But I have made huge strides in rebuilding my life in a way that reflects who I am and what I most strongly believe in.
It is amazing the confidence and sense of fulfilment that comes from being true to me, my values and my passions.
So for those who believe that they can't get what you want, I say: "Yes, you can."